C'est la Vie

This may be my last post for a while. The mere fact that I am making a post instead of packing for the horrendous move I have to make says a lot regarding my ambition - as does the content of this post.

This weekend was to be my farewell soiree for a few of my friends. Well, very few of them showed up, so I can rest assured of who my friends really are. On a much brighter note, the local watering hole where I occaisionally hang at has a house band that have become good friends of mine in a relatively short amount of time. I was given an offer to get up on stage and perform "Rock Candy" by Montrose with them.


This truned out to be a 2-night event, one in street clothes, and the second in costume for the bar's Halloween party.









I haven't "graced" a stage with my presence for about 15 years. Needless to say, my stage fright was peaking at an all-time high. Fortunately, it was in a bar and I was able to lubricate my nerves enough to keep me from having a coronary in front of several hundred people.






We never rehearsed the song together. The band never played the song before. They simply gave each other CDs with the song to learn on their own, and we got up together and blasted away. It was very interesting and one of the most enjoyable times of my life.

I want to thank Mike for stepping in to sing the song:

Dude, you did an awesome job!

I want to thank Dio for pounding the bass home with an all-to-familar thud.

Dio, you rock my all-too-caucasian, latin friend.

Thank you Gerry, for having such a big heart and letting me use your rig onstage.


To think of all the fun we could have been having had we gotten to know each other sooner. Thanks, also for singing "Sedated" with me. I hope you liked jamming on my axes...looks like you did!

Thank you, Dave, for playing "I Wanna Be Sedated" faster than the Ramones did.

It was certainly a challenge to keep up with you.

The Gerry Goodman Band is one of the finest, funnest group of guys I have ever had the pleasure to hang with, both on and off stage. If only we had more time to do a lot more crazy shit with each other, I am sure we would have put our livers in intensive care, but we would also have put our hearts to the test for the thing we love most: music. I will sorely miss you guys.

Insanity

I have arrived at the blissful state of mental disdain. Any shred of common sense has eluded my train of thought. Yes, I am attempting to re-locate.

So, how many boxes have I packed? Zero. Do I have a new address yet? No. Have I even taken out the garbage tonight? Nope.

What the hell am I doing? Shutting down all cerebral processes in the face of panic.

I keep telling myself that I need to get started. I have acquired appropriate packing materials. I have made appointments with moving companies to give me quotes. I have contacted potential landlords. I have given my 2 week notice. 2 weeks. 2 weeks to re-locate 1300 miles. Holy fucking shit. I must be insane.

Oh, yeah, to top that off, my present job insists on burying me with more "emergency" requests than 911 calls in Florida. Oh, wait, I am sure the phone lines are down, never mind.

Finally, one last thing to set my nerves off like a soaking wet electric fence: After almost 5 years of trying to get in a band, a local group will have me on stage this Friday - at my going away bash - to perform one song, one they don't even do. It has been 15 years since I was on a stage. I will definitely need a couple of shots before I attempt to do that.

So, why the hell am I posting? Shouldn't I be doing something more productive? Um...yeah, I should, but I am not.

If I live through this, it will be a miracle. And if I don't, it will be my own fault.

Moving On

And so it comes to pass that I have accepted a job in Michigan. Through all the mental hopscotch and emotional roller coaster rides I have been through in the last few weeks, I believe I can say that I am looking forward to a change. Granted, this is a drastic change, but that is typically how my life works: stagnation for years, then KA-BOOM!, drastic change.

Now comes the daunting task that I will loathe with deep passion: moving. For as many times as I have moved in my life, one would tend to think that I should be accustomed to doing it. Nades, I prefer root canal without anesthesia versus moving.

But, I only have a few short weeks before I am to begin my new position, so I must force myself to pack boxes, call moving companies, find a new place to live, etc. It's really all a bit too much for one person to handle. My beloved feline gets to relax and wonder what the hell her human is doing. Sadly, she will probably have to fly to MI because there is no fucking way in hell I am going to endure her in my car for 2 days, freaking out and driving me off the road. Been there, done that, got the dents in my car to prove it.

So, um, yeah....I won't be making very many entries for a while. But, who cares? It's not like I am a major source of news or entertainment.

Hole Hearted

Yeah, so I haven't blogged in a while. My heart just hasn't been in it for a few days.

I went to MI to interview for a job I wanted last year, but failed to get. This year, they were hot on my tail. It's so nice to be wanted, even by a job. All the people were wonderful, the scenery was surreal, everything - minus the flight home - was perfect.

As for the flight home - fuck Delta. Fuck Delta up the ass with a big rubber dick. No wonder they are filing bankruptcy, they treat everyone like shit, including their employees.

I was told that I was the top pick for the job and that I should hear back from them by the end of the week. Two days later, I received a hard offer. It was much less than I anticipated. I was shocked. They were offering me the bottom of their range for the position after I have had plenty of experience doing the exact same job. In fact, I am terribly over qualified for the job and they know it.

They proposed a 10% pay increase over my present salary. If this job was in my same town, that would be a "no-brainer." However, the actual dollar difference between my current salary and the increase isn't enough to cover my relocation expenses. Um....does that make any fucking sense? Where the hell is the incentive? Oh, sure the benefits are excellent, the allotted time off per year is outstanding, but that shit doesn't pay my rent. I was actually supposed to be completely satisfied with the benefit package and not the salary. Sorry, money talks and bullshit walks.

So, I counter-offered for a measely $1K more. If they balk at that, fuck 'em. This whole salary game is for kids. I am not a kid, I have been around the block several times and even went to the fucking rodeo. Never in my life have I experienced such a complete cluster fuck of an operation. That should also give me insight as to what my future would hold.

Yeah, so here I am bad-mouthing the situation, and come tomorrow, they will probably call my shot on the $1k increase. That would be just my luck. Then I would have to either accept the position or come up with a damn good reason (like the truth: you are too fucking weird to work for) to back out completely.

But, it's like this: it's gone from a win/win scenario to a lose/lose scenario overnight. My head and heart are so twisted up and around themselves that I have no idea which way to turn. Part of me wants to throw in the towel, grab the .45 and call it a life, another part of me wants to take the job in shame and hope for the best.

Fuck it all. Maybe I should just get drunk and try to negotiate tomorrow with a raging hangover.

Signs 'O the Times

I've held back long enough. Something has been bothering me for far too long. Everywhere I go people are exercising their First Amendment rights to the point of total irritation. It's bad enough that I have to look at people that decide to "express themselves" with assorted body piercings (some of which not only completely gross me out, but instill tremendous empathy pain), tattoos on the neck, forehead, and other highly visible places, and modes of dress that make it impossible to distinguish them from the homeless.

But now, I also have to deal with the assorted bumper stickers, emblems, window-tint phrases, magnets, and ribbons broadcasting personal opinions and beliefs from one of the highway to my next-door neighbor's driveway. I don't mind having something to read while driving, but can't we make it informative, entertaining, or simply not annoying???

One of my least favorite has to be the ongoing war between Christians and Darwinians. Geez, I thought this quarrel was silenced during the Monkey Trials near the beginning of the 20th Century. Obviously not. Having one Jesus fish on a car is bad enough. But, now, we have Darwin fish! Not only that, but you can get a whole fucking school of Jesus fish. And, AND I have even seen a Jesus fish named "Truth" eating a Darwin fish! Wow! I wonder what the Prince of Peace would think of that some 2000 years later!

And whose idea was it for churches to have catchy phrases on their marquees??? "The best vitamin for Christians: B1." "Read the bible, prevent truth decay." You know, if my belief system needed advertising and catchy phrases to keep me interested, I would be checking into something else. Besides, my personal voice of "truth" once said, "Truth often resides in the mind of its beholder."

Another of my personal "faves" was the (now not so popular) "Baby on Board" signs plastered in the back windows of mini-vans. George Carlin already covered this subject once, but it's worth repeating: "I have to adjust my driving habits because you decided to procreate?" I don't think so.

In light of all this saturation of personal messages, I decided on my own. A few years ago I was looking at all those white, oval stickers that indicate a foreign country. I'm sure you have seen them: UK for England, F for France, DE for Germany, etc. Well, I found one that says it all for me and now it is proudly mounted on my rear bumper: BFD

Home Again

Thank (insert favorite deity name here) that I made it home in one piece. Vegas has doubled in size and quadrupled in insanity in the 4 years since I lived there. I will gladly accept the stupid drivers I deal with here versus the maniacal road terrorists I had to deal with in Sin City. They couldn't pay me enough to live there again. Well, yeah, they probably could. I am such a whore. But not really.

My trip home was fairly uneventful. For those of you that have never driven in to Vegas from the East, there is a part on the border of Nevada and Arizona known as the Virgin River Gorge. Very interesting driving, but nothing I can't handle. There are "roads" I have been on around where I live that would make anyone question if the "road" actually existed. But I digress....

A friend of mine gave me a CD of Dave Attell. I decided it would be a good idea to listen to the comedian after I left Mesquite and headed in to the Gorge. I am quite certain that I have marked some people for life. I can't imagine what other drivers thought as they drove uphill, twisting their vehicles left and right, wondering what insane bastard actually thought this narrow, rocky canyon was a good place for a major highway - only to look over at some guy laughing his ass off and barely keeping his eyes on the road and his hands on the wheel. Yes, I am sure I scared the shit out of a lot of people. I didn't stop laughing until I reached Cedar City. Get an atlas, check it out.

But, there is no humor in Utah. None. The entire state is devoid of fun, humor, and good taste. After all, this is the home of Donnie and Marie. Without drawing further attention to myself following the Attell CD, I scurried out of the state as quick as possible. If I have offended anyone from Utah, I am sure I won't be the last to do so.

Now that I am back in my own breathing space, I am slowly settling back into my normal routine. But, I won't be able to sit still for too long, I have to go to MI this weekend for my second interview.

I have been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil over this issue in the last few days. Several hours of driving alone can do strange things to you. When the music and comedy runs out, there's nothing left but the evil voices in your head. Regardless, I still feel I am on the right track. After all, money can't buy happiness, but it sure can buy a shitload of prescription drugs that can make you not give a damn.